The Battle

The Battle

It has been about three weeks since my last post so I figured I at least owe you an update. 

It’s after 3am. I just opened my first Heineken. Did some stretching and a little yoga while listening to Dharampal. My head hurts and I should be working on my paper about the Indian uprising but I am tired of being on the computer. So, what do I do? I migrate to the couch with my dog and my Wonder Woman snuggie because I feel like I need to write. So now, I’m just on a tiny computer. 

  
Fibromyalgia turns everything into a battle. The pain, nausea and fatigue turn everything into a chore. When I first got the diagnosis, I was relieved because I thought I would be able to form a successful treatment plan. I haven’t. I’ve improved. I think. I could just be coping better. I really don’t know. I do feel better now that I am treating it naturally and no longer taking Lyrica or Gabapentin but I don’t feel like I’ve made much more progress than that. 

My hormones are more under control and that helps too but even that isn’t resolved. 

I’ll be having oral surgery next week and I am really hoping that it’ll relieve some of this head pain. Otherwise, I’m going to have to break down and go to a neurologist but I know they’re just going to want an MRI. I can’t afford fibromyalgia or whatever else might be plaguing me. 

Sometimes, I feel good about the progress I’ve made and other times I feel completely hopeless about my health. Usually, both in the same day. Living with fibromyalgia really is like being on a roller coaster. One minute I’m up and feeling good, positive and happy. The next minute, I’m crying in pain and feeling useless. 

On top of that, it’s sent me on this path of self discovery and all that (I really wanted to call it bullshit). I’ve been atheist most of my life so this new need for spiritual belonging just makes me feel more lost than ever. I know I’m not Christian. I identify a lot with Pagean and Buddhist beliefs. I meditate and I’m drawn to certain crystals. I love my chakra stones but I still don’t know exactly where I fit in. I’ve always thought Hinduism was fascinating but deciphering between all the deities gets confusing and I eat beef. Something else I feel guilty about. I try to buy eggs from happy chickens and organic grass fed meats but I’m still consuming something that was alive. I feel guilty when I accidentally step on a snail so how can I continue to eat bacon? 

I don’t feel compelled to follow any religion wholeheartedly. 

I spent most of my younger years trying to just block out all the negativity. I ignored all the world’s issues as well as my own. Compassion was painful. It still is but I’ve decided I can’t hide anymore. It doesn’t work anyway. 

 
Sounds easy enough… but what exactly is the divine power?

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” 

-Gandhi

Well, that’s a lot of fucking pressure! Especially, when it doesn’t seem like most other people are trying to do the same. Acknowledging the world’s pain and trying to do my part to change it is challenging to say the least. 

I don’t know what to do or believe and my head hurts. 

  

When you don’t know what else to do, stay sexy Spoonies! 

Oh, these are not my images. I was lazy and they were already on my phone because I liked them. I will credit Google. 😋

UPDATE: I Took a religion test and so I just thought I’d share with you my results (this photo is mine, of course).