The Battle

The Battle

It has been about three weeks since my last post so I figured I at least owe you an update. 

It’s after 3am. I just opened my first Heineken. Did some stretching and a little yoga while listening to Dharampal. My head hurts and I should be working on my paper about the Indian uprising but I am tired of being on the computer. So, what do I do? I migrate to the couch with my dog and my Wonder Woman snuggie because I feel like I need to write. So now, I’m just on a tiny computer. 

Fibromyalgia turns everything into a battle. The pain, nausea and fatigue turn everything into a chore. When I first got the diagnosis, I was relieved because I thought I would be able to form a successful treatment plan. I haven’t. I’ve improved. I think. I could just be coping better. I really don’t know. I do feel better now that I am treating it naturally and no longer taking Lyrica or Gabapentin but I don’t feel like I’ve made much more progress than that. 

My hormones are more under control and that helps too but even that isn’t resolved. 

I’ll be having oral surgery next week and I am really hoping that it’ll relieve some of this head pain. Otherwise, I’m going to have to break down and go to a neurologist but I know they’re just going to want an MRI. I can’t afford fibromyalgia or whatever else might be plaguing me. 

Sometimes, I feel good about the progress I’ve made and other times I feel completely hopeless about my health. Usually, both in the same day. Living with fibromyalgia really is like being on a roller coaster. One minute I’m up and feeling good, positive and happy. The next minute, I’m crying in pain and feeling useless. 

On top of that, it’s sent me on this path of self discovery and all that (I really wanted to call it bullshit). I’ve been atheist most of my life so this new need for spiritual belonging just makes me feel more lost than ever. I know I’m not Christian. I identify a lot with Pagean and Buddhist beliefs. I meditate and I’m drawn to certain crystals. I love my chakra stones but I still don’t know exactly where I fit in. I’ve always thought Hinduism was fascinating but deciphering between all the deities gets confusing and I eat beef. Something else I feel guilty about. I try to buy eggs from happy chickens and organic grass fed meats but I’m still consuming something that was alive. I feel guilty when I accidentally step on a snail so how can I continue to eat bacon? 

I don’t feel compelled to follow any religion wholeheartedly. 

I spent most of my younger years trying to just block out all the negativity. I ignored all the world’s issues as well as my own. Compassion was painful. It still is but I’ve decided I can’t hide anymore. It doesn’t work anyway. 

Sounds easy enough… but what exactly is the divine power?

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” 


Well, that’s a lot of fucking pressure! Especially, when it doesn’t seem like most other people are trying to do the same. Acknowledging the world’s pain and trying to do my part to change it is challenging to say the least. 

I don’t know what to do or believe and my head hurts. 


When you don’t know what else to do, stay sexy Spoonies! 

Oh, these are not my images. I was lazy and they were already on my phone because I liked them. I will credit Google. 😋

UPDATE: I Took a religion test and so I just thought I’d share with you my results (this photo is mine, of course). 



13 thoughts on “The Battle

  1. This really resonates with me. I always considered myself an Atheist, but a few years ago I felt something was missing spiritually. I’m still looking, but also like the Eastern religions. I think my problem is that I don’t like any organized “man-made” religion. We live on 13 acres in Southern Ohio, when sitting on our back porch, my husband points to the forest and all the wildlife (flora and fauna) in between and says “that’s my religion.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. I feel best when I’m enjoying the peace and serenity of wildlife and the outdoors as well. I live in an apartment complex. I wish that I had 13 acres to live on! I would do yoga outside and I think it would go along way for my well-being.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am with you in your struggles, just so you know. I am also newly diagnosed, and I just told my therapist yesterday that I don’t know if I’m getting better or just getting used to the sickness. We grieve for our lives we had to leave behind when we got sick, and there is a comfort in some form of spirituality. I never fit in anywhere either, but this might help you as it is what I finally did. Study them all. Take what resonates as truth in YOUR soul and use that teaching. I pull together a bunch of religions into my beliefs and, like you, associate myself strongest with Pagan and Buddhist beliefs. They are just beautiful religions. Don’t feel pressured to pick one. Take what you think is right and form your own belief. Just because it isn’t written in a book or fit into a box neatly doesn’t make it any less applicable. Religion is supposed to give us comfort, and that is what it should do. Don’t fit in or change what you think is right so you can fit in; take what you like and apply it to your life. P.S. Screw Fibromyalgia. I hate it too!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. One more thing….you said you use natural pain killers. What do you use? I use Kratom, but if there is something out there that’s even better, I’d like to know about it because I still have to take the stupid Gabapentin. :/

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m thinking about trying Kratom. Have you had a good experience with it? I’m worried about nausea. Do you have to take both Kratom and Gabapentin?

      And I’ll also mention cannabis, which is my preferred natural painkiller, but I like THC more than the other CBDs.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. To each his own and I say, whatever makes you feel better, do it.I tried the natural route for my many problems and frankly, none worked. I was disdainful of those who ‘had to have’ their meds but guess who is doing better with hers? I don’t revel in them, though. Yoga has certainly been a help.I was sent to it by my neurosurgeon…who would have thought?
    I think there is truth in every religion as their is falsehood in every one. I feel the balance is tipped in some. I wish you peace and less pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. It just takes time to figure out the best treatment plan but as I e changed, my treatment plan must also. Seems it’s all about balance! I feel that there is truth and falsehood in every religion too. Perhaps that’s why I’m so apprehensive about choosing one. I thought it would give me a sense of belonging but I’m not sure it’s worth the downsides of organized religion. I will just continue on my path and believe what I know to be true in my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Good luck with the oral surgery. What kind of procedure are you having?

    It takes a long time to learn to live with chronic pain, which involves creating a daily home treatment program that works. I think where a lot of patients get stuck is staying with the same plan for too long, when the important thing is flexibility.

    When one treatment stops working, you have to be willing to move on to the next. And you need a huge bucket of therapies to choose from. One day you may not need to take a painkiller and the next day you might need one. One day yoga feels good and the next it just creates more pain. One day it feels good to get out in the sun, and the next, the light is too bright and hurts your eyes.

    Don’t listen to what doctors say you should do, listen to your body. Don’t listen to what religions say you should do, listen to your heart and your mind. Only you can decide what’s best for you. And don’t worry so much about changing the world — just concern yourself with your little part of it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great advice! Thank you! I am having my giant wisdom teeth removed. Seriously, they’re charging extra because my teeth are so large!
      I was just thinking about that as far as treatment. What works one day may not work the next and vice versa. I can’t do yoga everyday. It makes me too sore but every other day seems perfect. I have emergency Meds for my head pain but if I take it too often it doesn’t work as well. It really is all about balance and not letting the pain affect your mood. Sometimes, flaring makes me a bit depressed and then I have a habit of eating poorly and neglecting to exercise. Improper care tends to make the flare worse and last longer. It takes a lot of self discipline to maintain optimal health when all you want to do is curl into a ball lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t feel guilty about getting sad, curling into a ball, or eating junk food — especially if it’s chocolate. As far as I’m concerned, pain sucks, and I deserve a treat whenever I want. And I also deserve to feel sad and let the pain win once in awhile. After all, I’m only human, not a robot. 🙂

        I sure hope getting rid of your wisdom teeth gives you some relief. But I don’t envy you the recovery. There’s nothing worse than dental work. You should have lots of ice and popsicles on hand for after the surgery. I would suggest trying to sleep the pain away, at least for the first day or so. And don’t try to smile for at least a week. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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