When I was first diagnosed, I was depressed, distraught and in excruciating pain. I had no idea what fibromyalgia was or how much it would change my life.
I have always had a history of getting sick when I was depressed. I felt so useless at one time in my life, I completely stopped caring about myself and caring for myself. I ate poorly and infrequently. I was drinking a lot of alcohol. Too much. I knew it was too much. My immune system got so low, I got shingles. After trying to remain so numb for so long, I’d never felt such pain. I still have scars around my torso and it was just the beginning of people telling me “You’re too young for that!” Hearing that is like being stabbed in the heart. I know I’m too young to feel this way. That doesn’t change anything.
The alcoholics in my life left me with a distorted view of what a functional human being should be. I won’t go into the details of my childhood or how I spiraled out of control or how I almost died. It’s all too much. Maybe, I’m just not ready. Maybe, I’ll write a book one day. Maybe, it’s not that important anymore. All I will say is that my childhood, my life, has been magical. Very much like a fairy tale with good and evil. I have always battled depression and social anxiety, like I was just born that way.
I was actually really happy and healthy when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I was in the best shape of my life. I’d learned a lot about myself and found someone wonderful to share my life with. I was eating healthier and working out. I’d lost 80 pounds. Half of which I’m pretty sure I lost through lifestyle changes but the other 40 pounds should probably be attributed to intestinal issues. I was diagnosed with IBS but that doesn’t complete the puzzle. I am quite certain I also suffer from gastroparesis but without insurance, doctors don’t want to waste time on me. I can’t afford all the tests and honestly, I should see a neurologist for all of this head pain I can’t control and worry about not being able to eat later. At least I’m skinny! 😉 I’ve never been able to say that before. I know being healthy is much more important and I’m going to try and address these issues as soon as possible.
Anyway, I’d been in a couple car wrecks and injured my back working out. I just couldn’t get better. I spent months in bed before finally going to the doctor. So, came the fibromyalgia diagnosis and the long hard road to where I am at now. I’ve had to make a lot of changes in my life to cope with the fibromyalgia, the brain fog, the pain. I still can’t work full time but I am back in school, I do yoga, I write. The most important discovery that I have made is learning that I am an empath, a highly sensitive person. I feel the emotions of others. They manifest through me. I self medicated to escape these feelings. Now, I’ve learned to embrace them. I have a desire to understand them. It helps be connect with people better and help them.
Fibromyalgia sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it’s helped me discover who I am, who I want to be. I am learning to embrace who I am instead of running from myself.
I am the face of fibromyalgia!
Stay sexy spoonies!
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